Sunday, December 27, 2009

Depression

I have a really difficult time at the holidays. For some reason my depression gets worse this time of year. It happens to a lot of people, I guess. My problem when I feel depressed is that I don’t ever get out of bed unless I have to go to work. When I spend too much time sleeping, I start having really vivid dreams. Not all nice dreams, either.

I had my usual dream of being back in high school and suddenly not knowing where my locker is or what classroom I’m supposed to be in. I usually don’t need the holiday season for that theme but I got it anyway. I also had my locked-out-of-my-parents’-house dream, and the inevitable being raped by my cousin dream again. All my “favorites”.

This year, though, I got some new ones. Maggot dreams, no surprise. I can feel them churning and tickling inside me, but I’m at work. And I’m suddenly worried about somebody noticing the smell, so I squeeze my thighs together really tight. But I can feel that it pushed some out into my underwear. I realize that I’ve got to get rid of them. It’s one of those bizarre situations where I know I must have put them there but I can’t remember having done it – which is okay when you’re dreaming, right? So I pull my waistband out to look and I see that they’re not just between my legs, they’re everywhere under my clothes. I’m nauseated. It’s disgusting. I don’t want to touch them, but I try to pick them off of me. They don’t come off. They just slip through my fingers. I try not to panic. And I suppose it goes on from there, but I’m forgetting it already.

Now that I’ve written that down, it sounds kinda sexy, doesn’t it?

The other new dream wasn’t quite as intense. There’s maggots again, but this time I’m in the produce section at the supermarket near where I live. It’s a Jewel. I notice that among the cucumbers, zucchinis, carrots – you know, all the phallic shaped ones, but also some that aren’t - there are a few that have maggots on them. I picked up a tomato that had maggots crawling on it and broke it open. It was absolutely seething with them inside. I wondered for a moment how they could let them get this rotten, but I forgot about that and started putting all the rotten ones I could find into produce bags and rushed to the checkout. And then, all of a sudden, I’ve paid already and I’m pushing my cart toward the door (I suddenly have a cart now), and a woman who looks slightly familiar is warning me “Don’t, don’t…they bite…they’ll hurt you.” But that just makes me want them more and I get weak in the knees. I can’t wait to get home. It’s a dream, so of course, I never get there.

I masturbated when I woke up from that one.

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