Thursday, December 22, 2011

Hacked again

My blog got hacked again. Hopefully this time I figured out how. The kid that's been doing it defaced my last post so badly that I just deleted it. It was full of horrible racist stuff. I found the rough draft of the post:

I’ve been employed full-time for a year now! I’ve never worked in the same place this long before. I’m proud of having gone this long without being fired or being yelled at for not showing up for work. I’m glad my parents aren’t so worried about me anymore. I’m amazed that I actually have something in a savings account.

But it’s not all good. I do feel my depression stalking me sometimes. It tries to pull me down, makes me want to stay in bed and hide from my life. It feels like darkness. It feels like a huge hole right behind me waiting for me to stumble. I fight against falling into that hole all the time.

The problem is, when I let go, fall, and hit bottom, I start feeling again. I start feeling like myself. At the bottom, I am nothing, I have nothing, and filth and waste and decay become all I deserve and all I am. That’s when bugs and garbage and dog shit do more than just disgust me and I end up doing something worth writing about here…especially if I lose control of myself. I miss feeling like that.

I still fantasize a lot about things I’ve done and would still like to do to myself. But new ideas - really good, nasty, filthy ideas - don’t come. I used be able to find really perverted porn stories and draw ideas from them, but I’ve seen nothing new in a long time. Maybe I just don’t know where to look.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Checking in

Just thought I'd write here a little bit - the emails asking if I'm still around have begun, which makes me feel a little guilty. I'm still here, I'm still okay, and still employed - amazingly enough.

I'm actually thinking of going back to school to become a paralegal. It's not something I'm especially interested in, but I think it might be a smart thing to do. I do work in a law office, after all.

I had an awkward moment during a visit to the gyne. I have a new doctor now because of different insurance and I went for my first annual last week. While she was examining me, looking inside me, she was like, hey, what happened to you? So I told her about having had toxic shock syndrome, but not without my face also flushing red. She asked me how I got it. I mumbled something about a bacterial infection, trying to deliberately sound stupid. I could tell by her expression that she thought I was being evasive, and she kind of stopped asking.

But she did tell me one thing that I didn't know before. I already knew that I am basically sterile, unable to get pregnant, but I've never known exactly why. She explained that it was because of scar tissue. There's apparently a lot of scarring in my vagina and especially on my cervix. Interesting to know. I'd always wondered. I guess I'm glad the scarring doesn't get in the way of having fun. It might have been sort of cool to have had some scarring on the outside where it would be visible. Then it would be kind of like a "medal of honor" for having managed to mutilate myself a little bit.