Thursday, December 22, 2011

Hacked again

My blog got hacked again. Hopefully this time I figured out how. The kid that's been doing it defaced my last post so badly that I just deleted it. It was full of horrible racist stuff. I found the rough draft of the post:

I’ve been employed full-time for a year now! I’ve never worked in the same place this long before. I’m proud of having gone this long without being fired or being yelled at for not showing up for work. I’m glad my parents aren’t so worried about me anymore. I’m amazed that I actually have something in a savings account.

But it’s not all good. I do feel my depression stalking me sometimes. It tries to pull me down, makes me want to stay in bed and hide from my life. It feels like darkness. It feels like a huge hole right behind me waiting for me to stumble. I fight against falling into that hole all the time.

The problem is, when I let go, fall, and hit bottom, I start feeling again. I start feeling like myself. At the bottom, I am nothing, I have nothing, and filth and waste and decay become all I deserve and all I am. That’s when bugs and garbage and dog shit do more than just disgust me and I end up doing something worth writing about here…especially if I lose control of myself. I miss feeling like that.

I still fantasize a lot about things I’ve done and would still like to do to myself. But new ideas - really good, nasty, filthy ideas - don’t come. I used be able to find really perverted porn stories and draw ideas from them, but I’ve seen nothing new in a long time. Maybe I just don’t know where to look.