This post isn't something that everyone will find stimulating. I haven't written much because I've been troubled lately. I've been thinking a lot about things that happened to me when I was younger. Things that probably shaped me into the kind of person that does the things that I've written about on this blog. It's really not good.
When I was young, I was damaged. As a person. Not physically damaged; I've done way more to hurt my body than anyone else ever did to me. I mean me as the core of my being, the place where I think and feel from, where I separate me from the rest of the world. That's where I'm damaged. I'm the loaf of bread with a fuzzy oval of green mold on it. I'm the pretty face with an unfortunate blemish. Sure, she's nice, but there's something about her... It's that kind of damage.
Everyone tells me I'm beautiful in my individuality, but no, that's not realistic. I am what I do, and I do what I've been conditioned to do. I was made by my life's experiences, and there have been some particularly bad experiences. I'm also a product of the defenses I've built up over time, many of which no longer make sense to me, but without them I wouldn't know how to interact with people anymore.
I act out with my sexuality. I find beauty in the world, so I seek the opposite. Where flowers bloom, I'm attracted to dead leaves. When butterflies sip nectar from the flowers, I seek worms. But even these aren't good metaphors. Better, when an animal squats to relieve itself of waste, I spread myself in invitation. Go ahead and imagine that, and then imagine much, much darker. In there, in that complete, corrupt darkness, somehow, I find my ecstasy.
But I'm troubled now. I wish for that ecstasy more strongly than ever, but as time has passed I've allowed fear to overcome my desire. Fear of what? Injury? Death? Discovery and humiliation? I don't know. I'm so fucked up I don't know what's natural to feel anymore. I don't know who I am.
Sorry to be a dark cloud today after not writing for so long, but I had to get that out. I'll get better. I promise I'll write something more fun next time.
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Just as it is with buildings, our foundations are laid down first and have a massive effect on our further development. It's difficult to restore a building built on a failing foundation, but not impossible; boundless human ingenuity can win out against a fractured psyche just as it can against a completely submerged Venetian basement. One needs learn the skills to tackle such tasks though, to learn what works and what doesn't and how to put what does into practice. As the engineer of your own life (to labour the metaphor), you haven't been able to take any classes or apprentice under someone who has already made most of the mistakes one can make - you're dealing with this strange and problematic structure you're having to invent your own bespoke tools to even begin working on.
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad to see you write something new, regardless of the content. I only just stumbled upon your blog after Googling for some disgusting/extreme material to masturbate to, but yesterday and today I've read some of the key posts (and comments) and really empathise with the issues you're dealing with. I developed fetishes early in life that most people would call extreme, and through my teens was dealing with the same crisis of self-esteem versus that addicting adrenaline that pulses with indulgence in masochistic perversion (though probably not to the same extent as you, due to the physical nature of our fetishes). I think many people in a wide array of situations go through similar cycles of guilt and self-loathing followed by rapturous abandonment of self-control, inevitably leading back to the guilt. In fact, I think it's probably a requisite part of the human condition, whether one experiences it with overindulgence in alcohol, as a devout catholic with impure thoughts or as someone who enjoys the neurochemical cascade resulting from powerful orgasms brought about by a "shameful" fetish.
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ReplyDeleteSo don't think that you're alone in feeling the way you do, nor that finding a balance between satisfying your taboo desires and satisfying a more conservative greater community is impossible. Knowledge is the key to it all, as with everything in life; knowing how far you can go with a certain practice before it's a real risk, or how you might emulate a risky practice so that it's still satisfying whilst actually avoiding the risk. For banal examples, people do this with condoms (casual sex without risk of STDs) and safe-words (domination without complete loss of control). The wise scat fetishist knows a little microbiology and physiology particular to their interest in order to reduce risk and still enjoy the perversion. The knowledge that one is being responsible in mitigating risk in order to continue to enjoy the rest of what life has to offer (jobs, friends, health, any non-tabboo interest or hobby) can actually liberate one even further in the taboo act - using the scat example, if you're not as worried about certain infections because you're with a regular partner with common gut flora you've screened for the worst nasties, you can really let yourself go with the practice, whereas you might hold back if you are fearful of unknown health consequences. The wise bestiality fetishist makes themselves familiar with their chosen animal's genital physiology, what zoonotic bacterial and viral risk they might present, common rutting behaviour that may leave visible marks, etc, for another example. If you are a young female wrestling with your newly discovered lust for submitting to your canine, it's incredibly relieving to know you're not going to have puppies any time soon.
I know you've done some reading to inform your escapades, but have you ever thought about going back to school and seriously studying microbiology and/or the processes of putrefaction and decay in an academic setting? Perhaps you'd learn a new marketable skill while getting off on the content and learning ways to manage your fetish and mitigate risk. Perhaps the innate elegance and sheer interesting-ness of the subject lessens your sexual attraction to it to a more manageable level. Perhaps you meet someone else who loves a good slime mold as much as you do, but for different and amazing reasons, and you find a healthy relationship that can help you discover new avenues of arousal and erotica to investigate that don't impact your mental and physical health as much, who knows?
I can think of many ways you could try to balance your intensely submissive/masochistic sexuality with all the other aspects of contemporary life so that you could enjoy both a lot more, rather than one seeming to be irreconcilable with the other.
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ReplyDeleteI know how you feel because sometimes I feel that way too, its nice knowing Im not alone. I did things to myself I was be too scared to try except you did them first. And Im glad.
ReplyDeleteI have read all your posts on this website. Although I don't agree with these practices at all, I think it is fascinating to read. How far will we really go to get our desires? Not just sexually, but also financially, emotionally, etc. I have thought about working with your words to create a new body of work (I am an artist) and hope you will be accepting to this decision. I can't say if these are valid stories or not, but the writing really comes to life and shows the struggles of ones psyche. Write to your hearts content, but remember that you have the ability seek help when you are ready to. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you feel better Debbie. I know we are like so I want the maggots so bad now, can you tell me how I find them. Please,
ReplyDeleteDid you find them? Are you satisfied?
Deletethe world needs more people like you I love your stories and im glad I just happened to think about it tonight and see there was more waiting for me
ReplyDeleteBees flying around, only looks for beautifull flowers and nectar. Flies looks waste and rotten stuff, in the same place and time. They both are similar creatures. It's the difference only in their habits and preferences.
ReplyDeleteAs humans, we can develop different habits. Seems like you turning into fly somehow, according to your alias...
Habit developing since you had positive experience with it's origin. Extraordinarily pleasure of orgasm with certaing unusual, or even contradictionary thing. Doing it for only once, causes addiction. That would attract you to get another portion of such pleasure, when circumstances met. Including sick or harmfull things, such as alcohol, nicotine, medical stimulants, or any kind of paraphilia.
It's biochemical how your body and mind works, and you can't control it only by will...
Each time you are into it, your remainder humanity inside will confront it, causing fear and depression. That way your body tries to save itself from what you does to it...
I think, this is what happening.