There is a story I wrote about my first sexual “adventure” with maggots. I thought I’d lost that too until I discovered that it’s been reposted all over the Web (it seems to be famous!). I will put that up here if this turns out to be a good place. I wrote about my second time too, but it looks like nobody reposted that. It must be really gone. It had to do with a dead deer I found close to I94 in Wisconsin about this time last summer. If anyone has seen it around, please let me know. I’ve realized that if too much time passes I don’t write very well. I couldn’t possibly rewrite it.
I’m going to be 29 next month. I haven’t had a boyfriend or even been with a man since I was 18. My parents don’t want to deal with me because I still refuse to go back to counseling. I’m working at Target now and I barely have enough money to keep my apartment and keep my car running. I do make a little extra money doing alterations on dresses but it’s not much. I don’t have any future plans for myself. I don’t have any marketable skills. I’m totally out of shape and I’ve gained some weight. I’m up to a size 14 now. And as hard as I’ve tried to change, I still feel like I’m a sick, perverse, filthy pig inside. I’ve tried to ignore the desires and disgusting ideas that come into my head. Dangerous things for me to do to myself to get off. I always hope I’ll change. I’ve been forcing myself to try. But the ideas never stop coming.
So where does that leave me now? I continue to struggle against my talent for failure. Pretending to be a normal woman while living in fear of backsliding and doing something really bad to myself. I picture myself, in metaphor, walking and falling into an open manhole, hanging onto the edge with my fingertips, and struggling to pull myself out. I keep falling in, over and over, and for a long time I’ve been able to get out each time. But I just don’t have the energy to struggle anymore. I want to let myself fall into the sewer now, and let myself sink into everything that is dark, dangerous, filthy, and perverse.