Saturday, August 22, 2009

Here I am.

It’s been a really long time since I posted anything. I lost my job several months ago, and about the same time Multiply killed my profile there. That’s where had I moved all of my pics and blog entries to, so it’s all gone. The only other place my pics were saved was on a PC at work. So anyway I was really unhappy and just didn’t feel like communicating publicly anymore. Maybe I’m ready to start again now.

There is a story I wrote about my first sexual “adventure” with maggots. I thought I’d lost that too until I discovered that it’s been reposted all over the Web (it seems to be famous!). I will put that up here if this turns out to be a good place. I wrote about my second time too, but it looks like nobody reposted that. It must be really gone. It had to do with a dead deer I found close to I94 in Wisconsin about this time last summer. If anyone has seen it around, please let me know. I’ve realized that if too much time passes I don’t write very well. I couldn’t possibly rewrite it.

I’m going to be 29 next month. I haven’t had a boyfriend or even been with a man since I was 18. My parents don’t want to deal with me because I still refuse to go back to counseling. I’m working at Target now and I barely have enough money to keep my apartment and keep my car running. I do make a little extra money doing alterations on dresses but it’s not much. I don’t have any future plans for myself. I don’t have any marketable skills. I’m totally out of shape and I’ve gained some weight. I’m up to a size 14 now. And as hard as I’ve tried to change, I still feel like I’m a sick, perverse, filthy pig inside. I’ve tried to ignore the desires and disgusting ideas that come into my head. Dangerous things for me to do to myself to get off. I always hope I’ll change. I’ve been forcing myself to try. But the ideas never stop coming.

So where does that leave me now? I continue to struggle against my talent for failure. Pretending to be a normal woman while living in fear of backsliding and doing something really bad to myself. I picture myself, in metaphor, walking and falling into an open manhole, hanging onto the edge with my fingertips, and struggling to pull myself out. I keep falling in, over and over, and for a long time I’ve been able to get out each time. But I just don’t have the energy to struggle anymore. I want to let myself fall into the sewer now, and let myself sink into everything that is dark, dangerous, filthy, and perverse.

20 comments:

  1. I feel the same way most of the time, worthless, a slut, down low and a few more adjectives I can't think of right now. So, what I've done is I split my personality. The good and the ugly. I write in two blogs about what I do with myself and how I feel. It takes the edge off committing suicide...Good Luck.

    ReplyDelete
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  2. Dear Debbie,

    Hi it's shylech from Multiply again.

    That's too bad about losing your office job. I give you my sympathy and my empathy. I lost my job too, and I'm applying to Target myself coincidentally.

    I've had some depression too. I find that simply keeping myself busy all day with job hunting, daily exercise, housework, and just doing productive responsible stuff makes me feel a little better than if I just sit around doing nothing. I have few marketable skills too, but I want to do something good so the world will be just a little bit better for having lived; That's the way to get rid of bad self-esteem.

    I really do empathize with you. I haven't had a date since 18 either, because I want to get myself squared away before getting with some one else.

    I used to hate myself for having such gross sexual desires, but I'm not ashamed any more. just secretive. Fetishes and sexual interests never go away. Never. It's true for just about everybody. You just have to live with them. There is nothing wrong or immoral about having unusual fantasies. It's only your actions that count in the end. So my humble advice would be to go ahead and fantasize about whatever you want.

    I hope you can find some safe and responsible ways to satisfy your cravings. Go ahead and smear your tits with dog shit; but use clothespins on your nipples instead of sewing pins to cause an infection. You know?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Debbie just wanted to say what is perhaps already said: Don't feel guilty about your desires. They don't make you less worth than anyone else. Accept them as a part of yourself.

    What you do need to focus on are ways of acting on these desires without longterm damage to yourself, and ways of doing it secretly so that your everyday life is not damaged. Plan ahead. I'd also hope you could find someone you can trust to get your back during a session.

    As for you not having marketable skills; well you ARE kind of a celebrity in these darker corridors of the Interwebs. Maybe you not would wantto go the fetish film route, but a pay website with only your stories might attract customers.

    ReplyDelete
  4. really? i mean really? how did u guys start with the "sorry u lost ur job" like thts the shockin bit? u clearly are the kind of girl i could marry!!!! this turned me on so much, my cock is red raw.... find me

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  5. What Steve said is essentially the truth -- there are plenty of people who either enjoy "filthy sluts", would love to help confirm your sense of shame, etc.

    It may take a little more navigating, and you will have to actually *talk* to people about your desires, but...it is possible, very possible. I should know. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi. I just recently found your blog. It kind of disgusted me in a way. It was also kind of comforting at the same time. I admire the fact that you are posting this. Getting it out always helps me. I find it odd that you are so secretive about your fetish, yet it's all over the internet. I guess it's different when you don't actually know the people you're spilling your guts out to.
    You kind of inspired me to start blogging again. I'm not into anything like what you like. In a way, your honesty wanted me to be more honest with myself about things in my life. If anything you're more put together than me. At least you know what you like. I'd like to hear more from you. I really do enjoy reading your blogs. Although, it's not my thing, the parts without dead things and dog shit actually turn me on. It's weird saying that. I want so much to make myself believe weird and fucked up shit doesn't turn me on when it does. Anyways. Please post more soon.

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  7. :) SMILEYNESS TO ALL WHO READ, this shall warm thy tender heart x

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  8. we are all born born different. don't judge. as disturbing as it may be to real she's gettin off lol consequences always follow the good AND the bad. just read it, learn from it, and move on.

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  9. Ich finde dich gut wie du bist und was du alles machst. wir sind alle verschieden , jeder ist anders geneigt.
    Ich mache auch viele sachen mit meinem Körper die andere nicht verstehen .

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  10. I don't usually advocate this kind of thing, but in some cases 'chemical castration' or some other libido-killing drug might make a world of difference for you. It might just stop these urges alltogether. It's not the urges that are wrong nescessarily, it's if they're uncontrollable, interfering with your ability to live a normal life and potentially endangering you or causing longterm damage that I think it has gone too far. Seriously, consider seeking counseling to get yourself some libido-blockers.

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